Communication is very important in any relationship, and it is especially essential in marriages. The union between two individuals is a legal contract that could be based on various reasons. Christy Bieber, in a Forbes article titled “Leading Causes Of Divorce:…” reported that a survey listed financial security, companionship, and love as the top three reasons why people get married. This survey illustrates that money is an important motivator for marriages. Despite that, many couples within marriages do not know how to talk about money. Conversations about money should be had before partners take the walk down the aisle, but life has a way of unfolding mysteriously. Here, we provide some tips to help individuals within marriages better communicate about money.

SELF-EDUCATION

To be a better communicator, it helps tremendously to be knowledgeable on the topic you are discussing. You do not have to be an expert or spend thousands of hours reading about money to have a meaningful conversation about it. But you need to spend time learning the basics, especially as it pertains to marriages. The world of personal finance is vast, but that should not discourage you from diving in. This will help make the conversation with your spouse smoother and more productive.

OBSERVE & LISTEN

Before you have a conversation about any topic of money with your partner, you need to prepare yourself. You prepare yourself by having a clear objective for the conversation. For example, I want to know if my partner has a retirement plan. With this objective, you can observe your partner in casual interaction and gather information. Gathering information is no different than doing your homework. You will be better prepared to have a conversation about money if you have some background information on your partner.

Your partner may mention in casual conversation that they have rolled over their 401k from one employment to another. Your partner may jokingly say that they do not want to work forever. You may overhear them say to another person that they need to get serious about their spending. In order to have a productive conversation about money, you must be a good listener. You must listen even if there isn’t a conversation. People reveal many things about themselves indirectly in casual conversation. This is a great opportunity to know more about your partner.

AVOID THE TRAP OF BEING RIGHT

When it comes to a conversation about finance with your spouse, avoid the belief that one of you is right and the other is wrong. The goal is not to win or lose an argument. The goal is to better understand your partner and communicate information as clearly as possible so you can make better decisions. In a relationship you want to come to a consensus. Thinking in terms of wrong and right and win and lose only creates division within the partnership. Instead of addressing major issues such as retirement and having children, couples will waste time on fighting. This will completely derail the possibility of a long and happy marriage. 

HAVING THE RIGHT TONE:

Many of us are familiar with the saying “It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it.” Conversations about money, especially in tough financial times, can be emotionally charged. Addressing a companion harshly, even if the information is factual and needs to be said, can be counterproductive. If a partner believes or feels that they are being attacked, this can cause them to shut down and withdraw from the relationship.

With that said, avoid having serious money conversations when emotions are hot or high. You can test the water to see where your partner is emotionally before you have a certain money conversation. You will discover that even the most difficult conversation can be had when a person is in a good mood.

SEEK COUNSEL

Due to the complexity of money, relationships, and the combination of both, it is wise to seek professional counsel if talking about money is difficult. A professional will be able to guide the couples through a financial conversation without choosing sides or casting judgment. The process should be educational and provide tools for the partners to use moving forward. A mediator does not have to be a financial professional, but they must have experience in the area that you need help in. Financial advisors and other financial professionals are experienced in technical matters. They may not have the skills to address the emotional aspect of money within a relationship. A marriage counselor that is experienced with financial matters will be more helpful.

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ARGUMENT, FIGHT, & DISCUSSION

Unfortunately, many people do not know the difference between an argument, a fight, or a discussion. In the beginning of any relationship, due to the lack of experience of the relationship, most conversation about money should be discussions. As the relationships mature, both partners are more fit to have arguments. Fights are inevitable and will happen in any relationship, both healthy and unhealthy, but it is important to understand that fights are usually unproductive. Fights are the results of pent-up, unresolved emotions that tend to release in an aggressive manner. In fights there are no productive goals except to try to hurt the other partner because they believe they were hurt by the partner. While this is unavoidable in relationships, it should not be the norm or the only form of communication.

Discussions and arguments are productive because their goals have clear objectives if done properly. While both can be used interchangeably with each other. We define discussion as providing and gathering information to better understand each other and each other’s points. Argument, within the scope of a relationship, is defined as both individuals providing proof, evidence, or some other substance in defense or support of their point. Arguments can be used as a way to come to a decision that both parties are undecided on. Using arguments to make financial decisions can be difficult if the couple is not equipped to do so. Especially when arguments are mistaken for fights and also when a prevailing viewpoint is viewed as a victory. There are no winners or losers in a relationship, only losers in a fight.

MARRIAGE IS A TEAM SPORT

It should never be you versus your spouse or spouse versus spouse. It should be you and your spouse versus external forces. That is the benefit of having a partner. There is a saying that goes, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” Marriage is about going together. Many marriages would be more successful if each individual viewed their partner as a teammate. 

In professional team sports, our society tends to give more praise and blame to the star players. There are many reasons for this, but one of the reasons is because of the contribution of the star player as a leader and being the best player. We see on many occasions where the star player had a great game but the team loses and times where the star player has a bad game and the team wins. This is due to the contribution of the other members of the team, and a marriage is no different.

ALL PROBLEMS HAVE A SOLUTION

Optimism is a very powerful tool, especially when facing issues that seem to not have any solution. All financial problems have a solution. A person must be patient and determined to find those solutions. Talking about money with a partner can be difficult in the beginning, but you must believe there is a way to arrive at harmonious conversations. This is an important step in improving communication in relationships. If you believe there is no point in talking to your partner because it will always lead to a fight, then that will be the reality. You must not give in to this type of thinking and maintain your optimism. 

FINAL THOUGHT 

Financial conversation with a spouse can be difficult, especially if you do not have the tools to communicate successfully. It’s even more difficult if many of the financial conversations never took place before the marriage. This does not mean a union is doomed. With determination, patience, and commitment, a marriage can learn the necessary skills to have a meaningful, productive conversation around money. This will open up an abundance of opportunity for the couple. They will make better financial decisions and increase the odds of achieving their financial goals.