Rohman Rory HemleyTaking care of elderly parents can be very taxing, especially depending on their quality of health. It can also be very difficult for elderly parents who find themselves losing their independence as they get older. Elderly parents may become frustrated not being able to do tasks they once found effortless, such as driving or climbing stairs with groceries. This can put pressure on the relationship between an elderly parent and their kids, who they now have to increasingly rely on. We all get caught up in our daily hustle and bustle, which makes it easy to neglect important issues. You don’t want to wait for an elderly parent to be on their deathbed before you make preparations for their passing. Most of the time the financial cost of taking care of the elderly gets the most attention. We often overlook the emotional cost and other considerations when making preparations for the care and death of elderly parents. Below are some points to consider other than the financial cost when taking care of elderly parents.
1. START PLANNING EARLY
If you have elderly parents, it’s important to know what plans are in place for different circumstances. If your parents are strong, independent, and live alone, it’s important to have a plan in place for changing circumstances. It’s good to have a consistent and regular routine to check up on them. Your plan could consist of a short phone call once a day and a visit once per week, depending on how far they live. If distance is an issue, it’s good to have the contact information of any friends or family that live close to them. We can’t anticipate every changing situation, but I will go over a few to keep in mind.
Parents No longer able to live alone
Unfortunately, an elderly parent may no longer be able to live alone for many reasons. One reason may be choice. A spouse may have passed away, and they feel lonely in a house by themselves. Financial hardship could be another reason. According to Jack VanDerhei, Ph.D., a study done by the Employee Benefit Research Institute projects that 40% of households headed by someone between the ages of 35 and 64 will run out of money in retirement. An elderly person may also not be able to live alone due to declining health. Whichever situation may come, it’s good to have a plan in place. Some options are to have them move in with you or a sibling or to a nursing home.
Parents unable to take care of themselves
You will also need to consider the possibility of your parents inability to take care of themselves. Will you be able to find the time to care for them? If not, will you be able to hire someone to do so? Are you planning to have a nursing home take care of their needs? Whichever option you choose, have a plan before you have to make that decision.
Funeral Preparations
As sad as it may be, we all will die; hopefully, we live a quality life. The moment a parent dies, it’s emotional and stressful. It can also be even more emotional for those who are planning the funeral. If you’re in charge of your parents affairs, make sure they have a funeral plan. If they do have a plan, revisit it and make the necessary accommodations for Covid-19. All family and friends may not be able to attend a funeral due to social distancing requirements. One adjustment is to consider who will be in attendance in person and who will not. There’s an option to live stream the funeral for those who are unable to be in attendance. You will need to decide on the streaming platform. I’ve seen people who have used YouTube to stream their funeral service. Also share the link to the website as soon as possible. This will give people the opportunity to sort out where and how they choose to watch it.
2. LEGAL DOCUMENTS
After taking into consideration early planning, the next thing to consider are legal documents. There’s a lot to deal with when considering the affairs of your elderly parents. Planning a funeral and deciding how much care your parents need are only some of the things to consider. Many people have wills, insurance policies, and do not resuscitate orders but never consider proper storage. Proper storage doesn’t only mean a safe location but also involves easy access. Not being able to locate legal documents during an emotional situation can make it more stressful. Knowing where all legal documents are and having quick and easy access to them can save time and avoid frustration.
Townelaker, a community magazine, lists four places to safely store legal documents: safe deposit box, home safe, the cloud, and lawyer’s office. I suggest using at least two of the choices, especially the cloud. Anything can happen, so it’s good to have a backup. Having the ability to pull up your parents legal documents on your phone gives you the ability to address potential problems more quickly.
3. LEGAL DOCUMENTS CURRENT & UP TO DATE
Things change; it’s a natural part of life. Whether we are talking about laws or our mindset, it’s good to keep this in mind. Your parents may not have the same amount of assets that they did a few years ago. They may have an addition to their family that they want to add to their will. They may change their mind from wanting to be buried to having a cremation. Whatever the change may be, make sure you go over the relevant legal documents to reflect their wishes. Keep an eye on your insurance policy to make sure you’re covered in the case of changing conditions. Make sure wills are up to date and reflect the current wishes and not twenty years ago. A person may change their mind on how they want their funeral to be handled. Also take into consideration changes to the law and how they may affect your parents.
4. SEEK HELP
I can’t stress how important seeking help is. Planning funerals and seeing about the affairs of your parents can become overwhelming. If you have siblings, family members, or anyone able to help, reach out to them. The help could be as simple as having someone to talk to. Call a friend or another family member and vent if it’s all becoming too much. If you have the responsibility of taking care of your elderly parents, you’re no good to them if you’re not OK.
If you’re planning a funeral, you can delegate responsibilities to other siblings or loved ones. You can ask someone to help you write the eulogy. Someone else can pick out the clothing for the deceased. Delegation is a powerful tool when you’re in charge. If you need to check in on your parents, you can also rotate this responsibility to other siblings or loved ones.
On the Lincoln Heritage Funeral Advantage website, the average cost of a funeral today is $7,000 to $12,000. If you discovered that your parents didn’t set aside any money for their burial or the money they set aside is not enough, you don’t have to bear the total cost on your own. This is another opportunity to reach out to other siblings or family members and ask if they can contribute to the burial of your parents. If that’s not an option, you can explore life insurance if your parents are still alive.
Another cost that you can try to share if it’s not already covered is the cost of a nursing home. The average monthly cost of a nursing home in the United States is $8,000. Unless you’re wealthy, a single individual coming up with this amount is very difficult. The best-case scenario is that money is already put aside by your parents to take care of this cost. A combination of retirement money, insurance, and contributions from family can go a long way to help with the cost of a nursing home.
5. LAST MOMENTS
The final thing you must consider other than cost is your parents last moments. Death is unfortunate, but it’s natural. Sometimes we look at getting old as a tragedy and ignore the many riches that come with old age. Wisdom, experience, and stories are all treasures that come with old age. No matter how long a life some of us live, death still finds a way to surprise us. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you regret not cherishing the last moments with your parents.
I suggest spending time with your parents before they go. Ask them about their childhood, youth, and fond memories. Don’t shy away from asking difficult questions either. Ask about their regrets, mistakes, and even things they are ashamed of. Be gentle with them; it’s up to them if they want to share certain information. People tend to not have a problem with sharing their most intimate and personal experiences. They just don’t want to feel judged or attacked for opening up.
Also take the opportunity to settle any resentment you may have for your parents. It may be painful to ask certain questions, but it’s important. You may want to know why they were so hard on you or why they didn’t do more for you. Some generations are not much for sharing and have good reasons for why they did what they did. You may not be satisfied with their answers, but it’s one step closer to any closure you may need from your parents.
FINAL THOUGHT
The cost of elderly care is expensive and continuously rising. If people put away enough money in their working years, they can be covered in their retirement years. Sometimes our best effort to plan for retirement can be foiled by unseen circumstances. Illness and a downturn in the economy are a few examples of circumstances that can spoil our retirement plans. In those cases the responsibility for the care of an elderly person can fall on their children.
Even in the best circumstances, due to advanced age, parents will need help from their kids and loved ones. Saying goodbye to a parent is hard, but considering the above information can help. Planning ahead for the declining health of a parent, having quick access to legal documents, and making sure they are up to date can be very helpful. Also, don’t take for granted their last moments. Cherishing the last moments with your parents can help in the grieving process and help you move forward.
SOURCES
https://townelaker.com/safe-places-to-store-legal-documents/
https://www.lhlic.com/consumer-resource/funeral-and-cremation-costs/